INSIGHT

Yesterday... to complete the record:

At 3:30 PM, half and apple and a 3 inch stick of cheddar cheese
At 6:00 PM, 3 tortilla chips (I would normally eat a dozen or more)
At 6:30 PM, a bowl of pasta (perhaps 2/3 of normal) with fresh tomato/onion/garlic sauce
No vodka. No wine. A glass of unadulterated tonic water.

And no dessert. Well, I nearly forgot: 2 squares of dark chocolate at 8:30 PM

That does it.

This morning, in meditation, an insight. I started out with the question: if I eat and drink more than I need to, in full awareness of the excess, why do I do it?

I like to ask these questions at the beginning of meditation, and try to avoid "looking for" the answer. If it arises, well and good. So this morning, there was a glimpse of clarity: I eat and drink more than I need to out of the life-long habit of self-protection. I learned to protect myself at all costs as a child, a young boy in boarding school, where I needed to be good at it. I cobbled together a survival suit of armor, acquiring considerable strength and persistence in an art that I no longer need.

I also gained some clarity into how I recognize this "reactive pattern" when it arises. I get angry. Quietly. Innerly. I become grumpy, testy--any one of those words that describe my less attractive self. This inner monster demands food and drink. He particularly loves wine--and the occasional shot of vodka. He's not easily satisfied, and constantly asks for more. To calm his moods, I feed him. Offer him drinks, which he eagerly accepts.Then he nods off to sleep--and leaves me carrying the extra weight that I need even less than him.

A better way to appease him: gratitude. I spent the last minutes of my meditation thinking through the huge number of blessings for which I can be grateful.

So it goes. Today, my intention is to eat mindfully again. Mindful of what I eat, the way I eat it, and mindful of the monster appetite. At my age, I no longer have anything to protect.

Oh, by the way: I stepped on the bathroom scale first thing this morning: for the record, 197 pounds, a half pound less than yesterday.