HARD LABOR!

Today I worked hard for most of the morning, first unstacking bricks and passing them, under the deck area outside out kitchen, to the handyman who was helping us to shore up the area behind Ellie's studio to prevent leaks. Last year this was a problem during the late rainstorms, and it was a job that needed to be done. While I was at it, I went on to clean and sweep out the entire path from the top of the garden down the side of the house to the street. I was sweating heavily by the time I finished.

7:00 AM, the usual: tea--this time with sweetener. I've decided I really like my hot tea in the morning to taste sweet, and must investigate healthier, non-sugar sweeteners other than the stuff in yellow packages I have been using.

8:30 AM breakfast. Fruit and cereal with walnuts, dried blueberries and milk. 1 cup coffee, milk but no sugar.

11:00 AM snack. Slice of packaged havarti cheese.

1:00 PM lunch. End of baguette with the fresh, sharp cheddar Ellie brought home from the market. With mayonnaise and a little chutney.

4:00 PM snack. 1/2 apple.

6:30 PM dinner. Oh, before dinner I chose to tuck into a bowl of tortilla chip fragments with edame hummus. Not a good choice! Dinner included 1/2 the leftover BBQ'd chicken breast from a couple of days ago, 1/2 boiled potato and green beans with a little butter. And, too, salad. It felt like a big meal--but that may have had to do with the unskillful choice before I sat down to eat.

OAK

Yesterday, Tuesday, another disrupted day, with Kevin here to work on various maintenance problems.

7 AM tea

9 AM breakfast. 1 slice of toast with 1 egg, scrambled. A cup of coffee with milk, no sugar

10:45 - 12:00 gym. Walker and 1 hour with Shanna.

12:30 PM, lunch. 1 slice of toast (too much bread stuff today!) with tin-sliced leftover hanger steak, mayonnaise and English mustard.

4 PM snack. 1/2 apple

Tried the new restaurant, Oak, for dinner. I ordered the taco dish (more bread stuff!)--3 small tacos with a beef rib paste. Shared a tiny portion of Ellie's hamburger. Shared 1 glass of red wine; then shared a second glass. (The wine was kindly comp'ed, because Ellie hamburger was not, as ordered, "medium rare." Good business, nice gesture.

CARPET

A big carpet day. We had to move everything out of the living room and the two bedrooms except the large furniture, which the installers took care of. They spent almost the entire day ripping out the old wall-to-wall carpet in the rooms and laying down a new one. I sat amid the chaos and despaired of getting much done except the crossword!

7 AM tea with milk, no sugar

8:30 AM breakfast. Chopped fruit with granola and cereal, walnuts and dried blueberries, milk. Coffee with milk, no sugar.

10:30 AM mid-morning snack: remaining fruit from breakfast.

12 PM out for lunch to escape the carpet installation. Ate mix of 3 salads at Zinc: beets, pasta with pesto, rice salad with sun-dried tomatoes. Shared a Sunrise orange drink with Ellie

4:30 PM snack. 1/2 apple.

7:00 PM dinner. Ravenously hungry. Ellie had marinated a large chicken breast, which I cooked on the BBQ. We shared one ear of corn. Salad. Finished off the open bottle of cab--about 1/4 glass each.

No dessert, no ice cream!

QUIET SUNDAY

Having been on retreat all days yesterday, I chose not to go to sangha yesterday--our regular meditation group. Enjoyed a quiet morning at home.

7AM the usual

9AM breakfast. Mixed chopped fruit, granola, cereal and milk. cup of coffee with milk, no sugar

45 minute walk along the cliff in Heisler Park--and beyond!

1PM brunch (should not have gone so long without a snack!) 1 1/2 scrambled eggs on 1/2 bagel. More coffee with milk, no sugar.

6PM snack (should not have gone so long without one!) finished off a small amount of fruit salad from breakfast.

7PM dinner. Leftover chicken soup with rice (very tasty still!) and a slice of buttered toast. 1/2 glass of cab.

Quite pleased with progress. Yesterday on the scale I discovered I had lost all the weight put on during the road trip to Idaho. Now back to 194 lbs. I'd like to lose another ten.

RETREAT

Saturday, a day of learning and retreat. Spent the day with Thanissaro Bhikkhu, teaching about the Eightfold Path. Appropriately, almost the entire day was spent on "Right Resolve"--the way to deal with sensual pleasures (like eating and drinking!) It was a good opportunity to reflect on what I'm doing with my "Diet of Choice"--that is, trying to be conscious both of what I eat (and drink) and how I eat it. Than Geoff's personal word of advice: "chew slowly"!

7:00 morning tea with milk, no sugar. I really like having sugar in my tea!

8:00 breakfast. One slice of bread with butter, one fried egg (I normally eat two)

12:00 lunch break at the retreat. Small serving of salmon, rice, green salad with almonds, and fruit salad for dessert. Water.

4:00 snack. 1/2 apple.

6:30 Out for dinner at the new Creole restaurant down the hill. Shared one glass (1/2 for me) of cabernet sauvignon with Ellie. Had a few bites of her rice salad. Ate 2/3 of my hanger steak with small portion of ratatouille and larger portion of mashed sweet potato.

In other circumstances I'd have enjoyed two glasses of wine for myself, and would surely have polished off the entire entree plate with hanger steak. Not the best diet day, but not a bad one, either.

On Friday...

I ate/drank the following:

7:30 AM, tea with milk, no sugar

9:30 AM breakfast. Chopped apple, grapes, granola and O's, sprinkle of dried blueberries with milk
                                Coffee with milk, no sugar

12:00 PM lunch. Slice of toast wth mayonnaise, slice of havarti

3:30 PM snack. left-over chopped apple and grapes from breakfast, teaspoon of yogurt

6:30 PM dinner. Mixed steamed vegetables and rice, 1/2 slice leftover meatloaf with ketchup & mustard

Still haven't dared to step back on the scale after the shock returning from last week's travel.

NEW VOWS

Huge shock, stepping on the scale after an indulgent trip. Aside from what the scale said, I'm feeling truly uncomfortable with my weight again.

7:30 tea, no sugar. It was... palatable

9:30 breakfast. 1 scrambled egg, 1 slice of toast with butter, no marmalade, coffee with milk, no sugar

1:00 lunch. 1 hot dog on 1 slice of bread with mayonnaise and mustard

3:00 snack. 1/2 apple

7:00 dinner. Thin pork chop, 2/3 baked sweet potato, broccoli. 1/2 glass red wine (I opened a bottle yesterday after a long day's drive from Ely, Nevada. Allowing myself to finish it. Slowly.)nNo dessert, no ice cream.

I'M BACK!

I left a week ago for a trip north to Idaho to witness the total eclipse of the sun--an awesome event that I'll be writing about on The Buddha Diaries in due course. So far as my "Diet of Choice" is concerned, the road trip was a disaster. It is my intention, now that I'm back in the serenity of our Laguna Beach cottage, to return to better eating habits, and to report on them here, in this blog. Starting... today!

NOT EASY

I remember a time, not long ago, when losing weight was pretty easy. I'd give up my glass of wine at dinner for a week and I'd shed 5 pounds, no problem. It's not happening any more. I've been watching my intake for ten days now--without cheating too much!--and I've managed to shed a mere 3 pounds. Ah, well, not to be discouraged, onward! (It is going to be a lot harder in the coming week, while we're on the road to and from Ketchum, Idaho, to witness the total eclipse.) I did, by the way, start that little record book I was writing about yesterday.

So... yesterday:

7:30 AM, tea
9:00 AM, breakfast. A slice of Ellie's homemade banana bread
10:30 AM, 1/2 cranberry scone at Starbucks, with a cup of coffee
1:00 PM 1/2 apple, wedge of cheddar cheese
4:00 PM small slice of toast with peanut butter and blueberry jam
7:00 PM, dinner. Homemade chicken soup--chicken pieces in chicken broth with sliced carrots and spring onions. Salt and pepper. Very tasty. A few chips.

No dessert! No ice cream!

This morning, I'm due for a session at the gym; then we'll be on the road for a full week or more.

A BOOK

I need to have a little book where I can write down what I eat and drink contemporaneously. Otherwise, I tend to forget. So far as I recall, yesterday:

7 AM, the usual

9:00 AM, breakfast. Fruit, cereal with milk and a cup of coffee with milk
(Note to self: too much milk?)

!0:45 AM, gym. A quarter hour on the elliptical, then a full hour with Shanna. She works me hard, and I'm pretty worn down by the end of our session. In a good way.

12:30 PM, pre-lunch (I had to drive up to Kaiser to resolve a problem with my pills.) Half and apple with a chunk of cheddar.

3:00 PM, snack. A small bowl of cottage cheese with a sprinkling of cinnamon and grapes.

6:30 PM, pre-dinner snack--a small handful of TJ's salted sesame sticks. Glass of orangina and cranberry drink mix.

7:00 PM, dinner. Leftover hamburger patty with green salad and a shared baked potato with butter, salt and pepper. The baked potato was huge. I could have/should have eaten half of my half. Instead, I scoffed the lot.

I have not weighed myself for several days now--not since I noticed that the needle had stopped moving. I do feel a tad less bloated, but am still very much aware of the needless weight I'm carrying around with me.

MISSED A DAY...

I missed a day yesterday, Sunday. It happened to be the day after my blowout, Saturday night. We went out to eat at a restaurant, Sapphire, and I indulged in not one, but two glasses of wine. My resolve faltered in the face of habit: don't I always drink a glass of wine when eating out? What harm could a single glass do? And then, after waiting a good long while for our appetizer to arrive, half the glass was gone--even with just tiny little sips. And it wasn't a very big glass, after all. I our bigger glasses at home. So pretty soon the glass was empty and much of the meal was still to come... I ordered the second glass because, well, a good dish deserves to be accompanied, no?

So go the rationalizations. Anyway, I woke Sunday morning with the realization that the regular morning sit at sangha was postponed until 5 PM because Than Geoff would be visiting, so I took the advantage to enjoy a leisurely morning in bed with the newspaper.

Intake for the day:

7:30 AM, a cup of tea with milk and sugar (2 spoons)

9 AM, early breakfast: small bowl of fruit with muesli and granola, walnuts and dried blueberries

A long morning with no snack. Better to have had a small something in the interim

1 PM, brunch: shared a 3-egg scramble with Ellie (gave her the smaller half!), started out with 2/3 of an everything bagel, butter and kumquat marmalade, then decided on the last 1/3, why not? It was a very thin slice, from the top. Coffee with milk, no sugar, no sweetener. Oh, and a few pieces of chopped melon.

Did I forget a 4PM snack? If I had one, I don't remember. I'm sure, though, that it wasn't my usual apple yesterday.

7:30 PM, dinner: salmon, roasted in the over with lemon and onion, greens, a rice salad. The corn that Ellie had planned on including proved to be no longer fresh enough to eat. No wine! (Before dinner, I suggested sharing a bottle of beer but Ellie, in her wisdom, reminded me to get back on the wagon).

A good meditation session with Than Geoff. I'll talk about it over on The Buddha Diaries...

YESTERDAY

Yesterday:

7:30 AM Cuppa
9:00 AM Fruit, cereal, milk, coffee
12:30 PM Lunch at Zinc: mixed salads--beet, white beans, avocado; shared Sunrise orang drink
3:30 PM Snack: 1/2 apple and cheddar stick
7:00 PM Dinner: BBQ hamburger, salted vegetables (potato, sprouts, peppers)
No dessert, no ice cream!

CHOICE

Choice is a powerful tool, but it's not easy. Once the consciousness is in place--I can choose to drink a glass of wine with my dinner, or choose not to--there's still a decision to be made. I found myself torn, last night. One part of my mind was using the seductive argument: come on, what difference can it make, just one glass? And another part struggling with the commitment that I made to myself--to no one else--to do what I must to restore the sense of physical well-being that I've lost. Not easy. I listened, eventually, to the wiser voice, and made the decision to pass up on the glass of wine.

So... yesterday:

7 AM, the usual cuppa

9:00 AM, breakfast. A single egg (instead of the usual two), a large slice of buttered toast, coffee with milk. Did I have fruit? I forget. Must make contemporaneous notes.

10:30 AM, gym. 20 minutes on the elliptical walker to warm up, then an hour of strenuous exercise with Shanna.

12:30 PM, lunch. One slice of chopped ham, handful of chopped tiny tomatoes, 1/8 th chopped avocado topped with spring onion and dressing.

4:00 PM, snack. One half apple with almond butter

7:00 PM, dinner. One kosher hot dog, one half roasted squash stuffed with brown rice and leftover vegetable pasta sauce (homemade) topped with melted cheese.

No dessert, no ice cream!

Not to be too delicate about these things, I took a couple of stool softeners last night at bed time, hoping to help with the constipation problem. As they say in Germany, "mal sehen"--we'll see.

NO CHANGE

In some haste today...

Yesterday:

7:30 AM Cuppa

9:00 AM Breakfast, small bowl of fruit, sprinkle granola & muesli, milk, coffee no milk, no sweetener. I prefer my coffee sweet and have been using "yellow stuff" = Splenda. I'm told (by virtually everyone) that it's bad for me. Is sugar worse?

12: 30 PM Walked down the hill to the Stand to bring back lunch--an avacado and guacamole bowl with brown rice. Added a little TJ's salsa.

4:00 PM-ish Half apple and almond butter.

6:30 PM Dinner. Half leftover BBQ chicken breast, 5 brussels sprouts, 2 1/2 small red potatoes (with butter). No vodka, no wine.

No dessert, no ice cream!

Even so, no change on the scale this morning. Still clocking in at 195. Some of this surely attributable to severe constipation.

ONWARD!

The scale today still says 195. A disappointment. I'd hoped to see a 4 in there somewhere. Ah, well! Onward!

Yesterday:

7:30 AM, the usual cup of English tea, still with 1/3 less sugar. Can't seem to do without the sweetness, when it comes to tea.

9:00 AM-ish, breakfast. One egg (usually two) on one piece of toast (ditto). A cup of coffee with no sugar and no sweetener. A grape salad--we seem to have ended up with five different kinds on our refrigerator.

10:45 AM, gym. 20 minutes on the elliptical walker, followed by an hour's workout with Shanna. Returned home quite tired.

12:30 PM-ish, lunch. A half can of tuna, chopped tomatoes, cottage cheese topped with green onions. No bread.

Out and about (buying new bed!) until later afternoon.

4:00 PM, one half apple with peanut butter

Before dinner: 4 tortillas chips, large glass of mineral water (Ellie tells me it has corn syrup in the mix--looks like this is something to avoid now that the bottle is finished).

7:00 PM, dinner. Half sliced BBQ chicken breast with beet greens and one small roast potato (with butter). One glass of white wine. This bottle, too, is now finished. I choose NOT to open a new one for the time being.

No dessert! No idea cream!

It's easier to make the better choices when the mind is not preoccupied with other things and the body is more restful. Would have killed for a nice, calming shot or two of vodka after a day out in the Orange County maze of malls and department stores. But did not. Either kill, or pour myself a nice cold glass of vodka!

PROGRESS

This morning, on the scale: 195 pounds. Which compares favorably with yesterday's 196.5 and Sunday's 197.5. Some progress, then...

Yesterday I took aboard:

7 AM my usual large mug of English tea, milk and 2 (not 3!) spoons of sugar
9 AM a small bowl of fruit and cereal--about 1/2 - 2/3 my regular--with milk
1 PM 1 slice of bread, 1 slice of ham with mayonnaise and mustard; 1/2 apple
4 PM took a large chocolate from the freebie bowl at the mattress store
7 PM shared half a small hanger steak with yellow beans, 1/2 ear of corn.
And a glass of white wine. Figured we need to kill the already open bottle!

No dessert! No ice cream!

Despite the weight loss, I don't feel a great difference yet--perhaps because I had never been heavier than Sunday, when I first dared step on the bathroom scale.

Spent the day, in the morning, organizing a trip north, to Idaho, for the solar eclipse. Everything I read says totality is a must. Very excited about this. Having discovered all other means of transportation to be problematic, we decided to take the 15-hour drive, with an overnight stop a little more than halfway. In the afternoon, Ellie and I went out on a search for a replacement for the mattress in our bedroom, which has seen better days.

Forgot my water for the better part of the day. Grabbed a small bottle at the mattress store. Need to be more attentive on this front.

INSIGHT

Yesterday... to complete the record:

At 3:30 PM, half and apple and a 3 inch stick of cheddar cheese
At 6:00 PM, 3 tortilla chips (I would normally eat a dozen or more)
At 6:30 PM, a bowl of pasta (perhaps 2/3 of normal) with fresh tomato/onion/garlic sauce
No vodka. No wine. A glass of unadulterated tonic water.

And no dessert. Well, I nearly forgot: 2 squares of dark chocolate at 8:30 PM

That does it.

This morning, in meditation, an insight. I started out with the question: if I eat and drink more than I need to, in full awareness of the excess, why do I do it?

I like to ask these questions at the beginning of meditation, and try to avoid "looking for" the answer. If it arises, well and good. So this morning, there was a glimpse of clarity: I eat and drink more than I need to out of the life-long habit of self-protection. I learned to protect myself at all costs as a child, a young boy in boarding school, where I needed to be good at it. I cobbled together a survival suit of armor, acquiring considerable strength and persistence in an art that I no longer need.

I also gained some clarity into how I recognize this "reactive pattern" when it arises. I get angry. Quietly. Innerly. I become grumpy, testy--any one of those words that describe my less attractive self. This inner monster demands food and drink. He particularly loves wine--and the occasional shot of vodka. He's not easily satisfied, and constantly asks for more. To calm his moods, I feed him. Offer him drinks, which he eagerly accepts.Then he nods off to sleep--and leaves me carrying the extra weight that I need even less than him.

A better way to appease him: gratitude. I spent the last minutes of my meditation thinking through the huge number of blessings for which I can be grateful.

So it goes. Today, my intention is to eat mindfully again. Mindful of what I eat, the way I eat it, and mindful of the monster appetite. At my age, I no longer have anything to protect.

Oh, by the way: I stepped on the bathroom scale first thing this morning: for the record, 197 pounds, a half pound less than yesterday.

BY THE WAY...

... I see nothing wrong with what I wrote, above, those many years ago. It still seems to me a sound approach.

OKAY...

... we seem to be working. So, to begin: I write this for myself, not expecting any readers or responses. Let's call it a diary. Having stepped on the bathroom scale this morning and discovering that my weight is greater than ever before in my entire life, I need to do something serious about it. I believe this journal will help.

First, the facts, to hide nothing (from myself!)

Weight as of this morning, 8/6/17: 197.5 lbs.
Height: 5 feet 10 1/2 inches (though I may have lost a little height with age)
Age as of last Tuesday, August 1: 81 years
Average/normal weight over the past few months: 192
Acceptable weight: 185 lbs.
Desirable weight: 180 lbs.
Exercise program: Average, past several months--1 hour, 2 - 3 times per week at the gym (I kid myself that it's more)

I have been struggling--but obviously not hard enough, nor with sufficient clarity of intention. I have acquired the weight gradually, over the past ten years. The past year has seen the greatest gain.

I am uncomfortable with the weight. I eat and drink more than my body needs, at my age. I realize that my body does not need alcohol, but my drinking habits tend to accelerate. I gave up all alcohol for a couple of months earlier this year. In the past, this has helped me lose weight, sometimes dramatically. I used to be able to shed 5 pounds or more effortlessly when I quit drinking. This time, it seemed to make no difference, so I started up again. Recently, I have indulged not only a shot (or two!) of vodka before dinner, but also a glass (or two, or three!) at dinner time.

As noted above, I eat more than my body needs. In part I attribute this to distraction: I read the newspaper or watch TV over meals, and therefore hardly notice what I'm shoveling into my mouth. In part, it's sheer comfort. Until digestion time. Then it's discomfort. At night, I feel the weight on me. For weeks I have been exhorting great attention to what I eat and drink. For months I have been ignoring my own wisdom.

I intend to use this diary as a record of what goes into my mouth, as well as a record of my thoughts along the way. I believe that writing down what I eat, as an act of consciousness, will in itself be helpful.

This month, with a few weeks ahead of me with less stress and tension (I hope!) in daily life, presents me with an excellent opportunity to put into practice what I preach to myself.

Today, Sunday, August 6:

At 7AM, my usual cup of English tea--with my usual three spoons of sugar. (I can cut back here, even cut out the sugar.)

At 8:30 AM, before sangha, a small bowl of mixed fresh fruits and the second half of a scone I started yesterday (with butter.)

At 11:00AM, after sangha, one poached egg and one toasted English muffin, with butter (no jam, no marmalade. Coffee with milk but no sugar and no sweetener.)

I write these notes between 12:30 and 1:00PM. Will return and catch up on the rest of the day tomorrow.

AFTER EIGHT YEARS

I see that it is eight years since I last posted on this blog. I'm wondering if it's still activator whether I need to do something to renew it. So this is nothing more than a test. We'll see. Assuming everything works, I'll be back to post further.